Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
