We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
