areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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