I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
