Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
