You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
