that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize