he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize