sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
