I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize