Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
