I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
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