I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i will never coherently bang her
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
