Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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