dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
