good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
they're like a gay fantastic four
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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