i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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