i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
