weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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