I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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