I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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