Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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