Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
3 2 1 whiskey
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize