I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
