I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
