We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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