My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
