cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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