matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
