i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
