If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
