I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
