3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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