My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
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