When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
