Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
