The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
