I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
