Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
