Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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