I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
