Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
