I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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