fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
