I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
