My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
