My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
