I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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