That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
