I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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