I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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