I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize