If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
