Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
