When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
