i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
