Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
