On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
