Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
